Aries: It weighs you down. With weight comes momentum. Be an emotional sumo wrestler.
Taurus: Fear the improperly constructed ikea bookshelf. Those who can make working furniture with no instruction are not to be trifled with. Who knows what they could do.
Gemini: A pestilence of violins.
Cancer: The modern world has given birth to a new breed of arcane. You must be careful.
Leo: A common metal wastebasket worn as a helmet makes excellent defense against slashing weapons. This information will be critical.
Virgo: I asked a star for your fortune but all they did was recite the entire script of the godfather II really really fast.
Libra: Death is a gift. A shit gift, but a gift.
Scorpio: Hyperawareness will only show you things you really shouldn’t see, things you cant really comprehend. Not many last long like that.
Ophiuchus: The familiar is safe, comfortable. There is kindness to perfectionism. There is greater adventure still in failure. Do another shot.
Sagittarius: What? Are you just gonna lie there and wait for another steamroller?
Capricorn: Get up early, get donuts for breakfast, watch a hardware store burn down while you finish your coffee. Who knows what the day has for you.
Aquarius: You are there, ever fleeting.
Pisces: Your guardian may be a twisted broken thing, but it protects you all the same. Do it a favor and dont look directly at it. Its shy.
Normal Horoscope:
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