Sorry, I’m not up to date on the details of Star Wars outside the movies, but was R2-D2, like, Leia’s droid between the Prequels and the Original Trilogy? Whatever the case, I think I might need it to happen in a crack fic.
Because I’ve suddenly imagined R2-D2 accompanying Leia to her Senate meetings. In reality, it would probably be very dangerous for R2 and Leia. But I think it would be perfect for a crack fic.
Like, just imagine if Leia and R2 are just strolling around the halls of the Senate, with Leia ranting to R2 about something or other. And then bump into an older Senator by accident. And at first it’s all pleasantries and apologies, but then the older Senator takes one look at R2, turns a color that is not a good color for their people to turn, and then says in utter horror, “IT’S YOU!”
Because surely there must be older Senators out there from before the Empire, who remember that horrible little nightmare droid who tailed those awful Jedi around and occasionally Senator Amidala. (Like, there must be people out there who witnessed R2 blow up a building or even straight-up kill someone.)
And Leia’s like, “What? You know my droid?”
And the Senator’s got a hand over their heart, both to soothe themselves and a little protectively, and says, “My dear, I couldn’t forget that thing if I was dead. That’s the little bastard who set me on fire! Granted, it was an accident and it saved Senator Amidala’s life again, but still. She was far too fond of it! That and that debonair Jedi it belonged to!”
And Leia lights up immediately because oho, this is interesting. Meanwhile R2 is basically swearing up a storm trying to push her away. And the Senator has an expression on their face like, “Oh, damn, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Anyway, Leia accidentally figures out who her parents were because R2 is a memorable asshole that old politicians still see in their nightmares.
I want either that crack fic or an even crackier fic that goes like this:
Darth Vader: *walking down a hall in the Senate building, annoyed af that the Emperor is making him be here to intimidate people for some vote or another, scrolling clickbait quizzes or ship commercials on his datapad*
The sound of something clattering comes from ahead. Darth Vader looks up and sees a droid getting kicked out of a conference room, beeping explicitly and indignantly over just being lost, at the far end of the hall. The droid looks down the hall at Darth Vader. It’s unmistakably R2-D2.
Darth Vader: “…”
R2-D2: “…”
R2: *backs up one inch*
Vader: *takes one step forward*
R2: *SCREAMS*
R2-D2 whirls around immediately and flees around the corner. Vader is too surprised to immediately stop his old droid, but drops the datapad and books it after him (as much as DV can book it). What proceeds is probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader.
It ends in R2, covered in soot and scratches, barely managing to get away after causing enormous amounts of mayhem and property damage.
Leia: “There you are! Artoo, where have you been?”
R2: *beeps* (translation: “Out.”)
So uh
Excellent. This is exactly what I wanted.
“
probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader”
Oh my God.
Vader just awkwardly powerwalking after a screaming Astromech.
there is no higher form of literature than olde-ass europeans trying to explain the skunk
“The other is a low animal, about the size
of a little dog or cat. I mention it here, not on account of its
excellence, but to make of it a symbol of sin. I have seen three or
four of them. It has black fur, quite beautiful and shining; and has
upon its back two perfectly white stripes, which join near the neck and
tail, making an oval which adds greatly to their grace. The tail is
bushy and [163] well furnished with hair, like the tail of a Fox; it
carries it curled back like that of a Squirrel. It is more white than
black; and, at the first glance, you would say, especially when it
walks, that it ought to be called Jupiter’s little dog. But it is so
stinking, and casts so foul an odor, that it is unworthy of being called
the dog of Pluto. No sewer ever smelled so bad. I would not have
believed it if I had not smelled it myself. Your heart almost fails you
when you approach the animal; two have been killed in our court, and
several days afterward there was such a dreadful odor throughout our
house that we could not endure it. I believe the sin smelled by sainte
Catherine de Sienne must have had the same vile odor.”
europeans had so little frame of reference for the very concept of a skunk that when they first met the skunk’s closest relative they named it the stink badger because that was the best they could come up with on their own
my favorite thing i’ve learned in college is that way back in ancient china there was this poet/philosopher guy who wrote this whole pretentious poem about how enlightened he was that was like “the eight winds cannot move me” blahblahblah and he was really proud of it so he sent it to his friend who lived across the lake and then his friend sends it back and just writes “FART” (or the ancient Chinese equivalent) on it and he was SO MAD he travels across the lake to chew his friend out and when he gets there his friend says “wow. the eight winds cannot move you, but one fart sends you across the lake”
i googled this bc i desperately wanted this to be real, and guess what…it is.
the dude’s name was su dongpo (also known as su shi). his original poem went like this:
稽首天中天，
毫光照大千，
八風吹不動，
端坐紫金蓮
(Humbly bowed my head below all skies Minutest lights shine through my deepest bounds Immovable by strong winds from eight sides Upon purplish gold lotus I seated straightly by the low mound) (x)
on which his friend wrote “放屁” (fart, literally), and you know the rest.
For the record while ATLA is an excellent show and Zukos redemption arc was perfectly paced, I would kill to have had Zuko join the Gaang at the end of book two, because the first half of book three would have been the funniest thing on the planet. Like. Just picture it. A bunch of unsupervised teenagers travelling undercover through enemy territory, trying to blend in… and the only people who have even been there before are 1. A guy who hasnt been there in a century, and 2. The former crown prince who has literally never spoken to a fire nation citizen who wasnt nobility, military, or one of his servants.
Like. Neither of them have any idea what they’re doing, or how normal fire nation citizens act, but they’re pretty sure the other one is wrong. Rest of the gaang knows even less. No adults. Zuko and Aang getting into a shouting debate over the finer points of fire nation culture is a nightly event. They are both so wrong, and so, so awkward
Zuko, for the fifth and probably not last time: FOR THE LAST TIME, NOBODY USES THE PHRASE ‘FLAMEO HOTMAN’!
Aang, aware of that fact but in too deep to back out now: OH YEAH? THEN WHAT DO THEY SAY!?
Zuko, clueless and bluffing: …Something about glory to the Fire Lord?
Toph, well aware that both are lying through their teeth and have no idea what they’re talking about, and fucking loving every second of this train wreck: Clearly the only solution is for both of you to go into town tomorrow and test your theories out.
And the side taking, oh my god the side taking from the other three. Katara sides with Aang every single time. Does she honestly believe that the people of the Fire Nation greet each other with ‘Flame on, my em-brother’? Hell no. Would she rather die than say that Zuko’s correct? Yes.
Sokka usually sides with Zuko, unless he comes up with something astoundingly stupid. Zuko’s thoughts, while usually wrong, sound a lot more plausible then Aangs, and fuck it he’s willing to take a gamble.
Toph is the closest thing to a neutral party they have, in that she knows damn well they’re all full of shit, and has chosen to instead egg them on to make it worse. She’s an agent of chaos, and this is free nightly entertainment. She’s having the time of her life right now.
The debate takes a brief pause once they stop going undercover and get to the business of actually saving the world, but holy shit. once things have settled down? it’s back on with a vengeance. Except now Aang and Zuko aren’t the two most wanted people in the Fire Nation, they’re the two most influential people in the world. They are trendsetters. They can make slang become a thing.
When Zuko first hears the phrase ‘flameo, hotman’ being thrown around casually, it takes a lot of deep breathing exercises to not immediately return to his previous occupation of hunting the Avatar.
Iroh: I’m so proud of the way you’ve been ruling, nephew. Flameo, hotman!
i know multiple ppl have pointed it out/made jokes about it in the past but the fact that you can kick literally ANYONE in simpsons hit & run never fails to make me laugh. that one old gif of lisa kicking milhouse off the cliff? comedy gold
beto being elected would be huge for texas. as someone from there, lemme tell you, he’s someone the state sorely needs. texas is in desperate need of a democrat and Beto is our best bet. in recent polls, cruz was shown to be ahead, but not by much. cruz. cannot. win.
there are ways you can help! if you live in Texas, you can sign up to volunteer. you can volunteer to do things such as send texts, emails, knock on doors. typical campaign stuff.
if you don’t live in Texas, you can donate. you don’t have to live in the state to donate. donating is one of the best ways you can support him because it funds his campaign! as mentioned above, he doesn’t take PAC money. he is 100% grassroots campaign, funded by people, for people.
i’m going to reiterate this. any us citizen* can donate. any. doesn’t matter where you live in the united states. so, I urge. if you don’t live in texas, donate. the average donation amount is $35, but any amount will help.
*if you don’t live in the united states/aren’t a citizen, legally you cannot donate. i don’t make the rules guys.
if you can’t donate, please reblog this so others can see it. people can’t vote in midterms if they don’t know who their nominees are.
this midterm election is crucial. getting Beto into the senate is crucial. reblog or donate!
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