I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at
his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t
stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
Sorry to bring this searing back into your lives fam, but I feel it’s worth noting that people are tagging this as an “ancient relic” of tumblr text posts and how they’re so happy they see this every year and like guys, I hate to tell you this, but uh, this post is only six months old. I posted in on March 3rd 2016.
It only seems like years because every time you see it you age five years.
This is maybe my favorite story ever…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS POST ISN’T AT THE VERY LEAST 5 YEARS OLD??? HOW????
It’s like the reverse Dorian Gray of posts. Every day it exists on this hellsite the power within grows stronger while I wither and age with time.
You’re all just mere casualties to the warping of reality.
Also anyone claiming to have read this on LJ back in the days of yore is likely not being honest. I never wrote about Crucifix Nail Nipples publicly on LJ, it was a friends only locked post shared among a group of maybe 20 mutuals, most of whom I still talk and who are all pissing themselves laughing that this has come back to haunt me through my own folly.
And even then the post I DID share back on LJ, was vague as shit and didn’t go into detail because I had no desire to be fired for bitching about work online. Most of the horror was recounted directly over windows messenger to people like @ahzuri who could be relied upon to scream “What the Fuck” at all the right intervals while I had a minor breakdown over my workload.
Happily I now no longer suffer from such contractual restraints and you all get to suffer with me 🙂
But yea, no. Unless someone else was bitching about it publicly back in 2012 (and I know the other editor who worked on it got fired so it’s not impossible), you saw it here first on my tumblr early 2016.
Which god help me was honestly a simpler, more hopeful timeline than the one we’re currently in.
As for everyone else saying they know I hate this post, I don’t hate this post. How can I hate something that has given so many people both joy, horror and dare I even say it, hope, in equal measures. It has also brought many wonderful and amazing people into my life, so while I might be Tired, I’m not bitter, and I certainly don’t hate it. Any complaining you see me doing is largely amused exasperation at the fact that I was very nearly able to forget this story, and then I made it fucking more popular than if the book had actually been published. I played myself. Like a fool. And god help me I might be in perpetual vampire nipple hell over this post for the rest of my life, but I’ll be damned if I’m not taking all of you screaming with me.
Happy belated two year anniversary of me losing control of my life to this hellsite.
Please give me all the advice you have on writing cover letters. Like, the closer you can get to literally just writing a cover letter for me, the better. Ok bye.
This is how I did the one for my librarian position. I hope it helps.
Dear Person Hiring for this Job,
I am writing to ask you to consider me for X position. This is a paragraph about why I want to do X position in general. It includes at least one personal detail and at least one job skill I consider a particular strength. It argues that I am passionate about this career. It is not long.
I have had the opportunity to gain experience in this job by – paragraph about my work or study experience. It should go from most recent experience back. Include some details about your responsibilities/achievements in your most recent or most important positions. If you have mostly study experience, give more detail about what exactly you studied. If you shadowed people, mention that. If your work experience is largely unrelated, try to shoehorn some of it in (e.g. I gained experience working with people by). You can supplement with relevant hobbies. (But if you do have recent, relevant work experience, you should largely be detailing that. Only embroider the other stuff if you need to flesh it out.) This should be the longest paragraph.
I hope you will consider allowing me to do X thing at your company. This is a few sentences about why I want to work at your company in particular and what I think I could bring. Try to mention at least one detail from the company website, so they know you visited it. This is a short paragraph that parallels the first one.
Thank you very much for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
Person You Would Be a Fool Not to At Least Interview
oh my god thank you this is relevant to current interests
Two other points, to challenge what’s being said above a little:
1) Remember that the person reading this cover letter wants to know how you can contribute to the company. Not how excited you are about the position: it’s all about what they gain. Try framing the whole thing in that sense — “You would gain my X awesome skill that would help you Y with your mission.” “Here’s why I’m awesome and a great fit for making your company go better.”
2) At the end, ask for the interview. “I am available at PHONE NUMBER at your convenience. I look forward to speaking with you about this great opportunity soon.” Maybe even say you’ll be following up at a specific time and date. Ask for the job. People respond to that, and it’s a good way to fake confidence until you make it. Ask for the job.
Okay, three points. People reading cover letters get SO BORED going through them. Think about starting off with a story that relates to why you’re interested in the job, or that demonstrates a skill or a strong interest that would make you a good candidate. Be memorable — people remember stories, even (maybe especially) very little ones.
some, once, the worl gonna (INHALE) i aint arpest the sheh. he was kinda a thing and a the shape and L her four. WELL, they coming and coming, rules and out running. temps not to bun, you’re pot but you’re dumb. so do so muh so whats wro aching the. and if you don’t. (record scratch) and if you dont…
you’re an! get cha! go! ey! you’re a! get the sh! get ey! all that glisto! shoot staa go moe…
it’s a -tsk- and they colder! you’re now, wait older! but the men beg to, judging by the h. satellite. the ice we’s. getting pretty, waters getting might as well. worlds on! how bout. thats the way never get
you’re an! get cha! go! ey! you’re a! get the sh! get ey! all that glisto! shoot staa go moe…
(random discordant whistling and record scratches)
you’re an! get cha! go! ey! you’re a! get the sh! get ey! all that glistooo!!! shootn staa….
some once a spare change for need to self a this place. i said ye! what a cons. i could you a fuel mas. we could use a…CHAAAAAY! WELL!
they coming and coming, rules and out running! temps not to bun, you’re pot but you’re dumb. so do so muh so whats wro aching the. and if you don’t. (GO!) and if you dont!!!
you’re an! get cha! go! ey! you’re a! get the sh! get ey! all that glistooo! shoot staa go moe! n’ all that glisto! shoot staa go moe!
Knowing some of my followers. This is good information.
336 hours is 2 weeks.
Ok
GREAT INFO!
S/O to LSD and all the fun I had with that a few years ago lol.
Yo this is misleading af and in some places entire bullshit.
How long weed stays in your system depends entirely on how often you smoke, your metabolism, and how much fat you have.
Blood
Let’s start with the system that shows signs of weed for the shortest amount of time. That’s your circulatory system, or more specifically, the blood flowing through it.
THC and other active cannabinoids have to make it into your bloodstream to take effect. When you smoke, that happens via your lungs. When you ingest weed, that happens through your stomach.
In other words, your blood is where potent, active cannabinoids make their way to your brain, kicking off the euphoric sensations of being high, or the therapeutic effects in the case of cannabidiol (CBD).
Your body rapidly metabolizes, breaks down those active cannabinoids in the blood. And that’s why signs of weed use don’t stay in your blood for very long.
Hence the reason why companies or law enforcement will take blood tests after workplace or traffic accidents because it would reveal that someone was likely intoxicated with cannabis when the sample was taken.
Specifically, weed (i.e. THC) stays in the blood for one to two days after a single use. If you smoke multiple times or regularly or multiple times daily, weed will stay in your blood for up to a week after your last session.
Urine
Your body is naturally eager to absorb and process psychoactive THC and other active cannabinoids. (Drug tests, by the way, are only looking for THC.) So those chemical compounds of weed don’t stay in your system very long.
But the byproducts of THC, which are evidence of prior use, are also fat-soluble. In other words, THC metabolites bond to fatty tissues, and this causes the body to take some time expelling them.
So technically speaking, ‘weed’ doesn’t stay in your urine, THC-COOH does. And it’s totally inactive, meaning you’re not still under the influence of cannabis despite the presence of this chemical in your system.
Since the presence of cannabinoid metabolites in the body is entirely dependent on a person’s particular traits, it’s hard to answer definitively, how long does weed stay in your system?
Suffice to say, the amount of time evidence of cannabis use stays in your urine largely depends on how often you smoke up. Other factors, like your body mass index, your metabolic rate, and how hydrated you are also play a role.
Summing up the research we examined, this table can help you determine the average time weed will stay in your renal system.
1-time use: clean in 5-8 days
2-4 times a week: 11-18 days
5-6 times a week: 33-48 days
Daily use: 50-65 days, up to 77
Hair
Although there are plenty of myths and misconceptions circulating about hair drug tests, they’re feared by weed users for good reason.
Evidence of cannabis consumption stays in your hair for longer than any other system in your body. In fact, hair follicle testing can reveal cannabis use up to years prior.
But in terms of common testing procedures, hair follicle tests are typically looking for cannabis use back 90 days.
One rumor is that drug test administrators or police will cut off the tips of your hair for a drug test. But that wouldn’t be very conclusive at all.
Instead, hair follicle tests take a head hair from the root to 1.5 inches of hair. Testers discard the rest of the hair.
Human head hair grows, on average, at a rate of about .5 inches per month. So 1.5 inches equals about three months of hair growth
This is really frustrating because I had to be tested today to continue my ADHD medication. I took it at like 5am for work and took a urine test at 4. If it’s not in my system I lose my medication. Can someone please tell me if this is false information? Even one “mess up” will cause me to lose my medication forever and I can’t risk that.
I’m assuming you take adderall/amphetamine for your ADHD? Adderall has a half life of 9 to 14 hours, which means that 9 to 14 hours after dosage, half of the drug still remains in your body. Adderall will clear of your system in about 3 days. You should be fine.
The falsehoods in this data lie with the cannabis stats. I assume it’s anti-weed propaganda.
Sex worker friends here are some things you can do to reduce your risks of arrest, maintain your online presence to connect with clients and each other, and facilitate collective safety and support:
1. review your current technology safety practices and implement accessible and appropriate protocols.
-Stop using gmail, hotmail, wordpress to host your work email. Create a protonmail account which is offshore and secure and wont get shut down.
-Burner phones are best practice for work phones, if you can afford it.
-Encrypted file sharing can be done by downloading TOR and using OnionShare.
-SpiderOak is a secure alternative to Google Docs. (Download all your Google docs and delete it online if you haven’t already.)
-*****Download signal! **** Create a group thread with VETTED and TRUSTED sex workers you know. Start with some basic security rules. For example: everyone needs to password protect their phone to participate, be vouched for, don’t allow notifications on the home screen to include the actual messages, delete the app when doing international travel, and the thread needs to be killed and a new one created if someone’s phone is compromised (like if someone loses their phone or the phone is seized by law enforcement.)
-Get offshore and secure hosting and domain registries. I use OrangeWebsite.com for everything.
-Use formsite.com instead of Google forms if you need to collect info or do surveys, they’ve got security options.
-Banks are required by federal law to report cash deposits of $5,000 or more just fyi.
2. Plan for worse case scenarios, no matter how unlikely or remote the risk, for yourselves and each other:
-create bail funds and/or relief funds. (Ex: get 10 people together and make a vow to each put $20 into it each month just in case shit hits the fan for one of you and you can’t cover it on your own.)
-brush up on your legal rights when interacting with law enforcement.
3. Don’t do the work of our oppressors!
I’m seeing a lot of sex workers preemptively closing sex work related Facebook groups, folks are talking about taking down bad date lists, etc. We’ve got to keep these safety tools alive as much as we can, though of course keeping risks in mind. In the event that SESTA gets enacted and Facebook does change its terms of service to get rid of sex work related content the highly likely outcome will include: Facebook removing the content or closing the groups, maybe suspending individuals accounts. Its extremelllllllly unlikely that sex workers participating in those groups will face any legal risk (again, LE isn’t going to spend resources going after every sex worker.)
These federal agencies are banking on sex workers and businesses that facilitate sex work reacting out of fear to end sex work just as much as they are on doing that repression themselves.
-download any and all bad date lists that exist and put it on your computer
-make sure that you have alternatives means of communication with folks you know via the internet (like signal), especially with folks who work in isolation. Don’t let anyone get left behind.
I don’t even live in Texas but honestly we need politicians like Beto
What’s so great about Beto?
Doesn’t take any PAC money or big donor money period. Left or right. Won’t be beholden to big money interests.
Already pledged to support Bernie’s Medicare for All bill should he win
Legalization of Marijuana, expunging records of nonviolent drug offenders.
He wouldn’t have voted for Kavanaugh, and he would have voted for the Violence Against Women reauthorization.
Expanding of LGBTQ rights.
Public works projects like extending broadband access to rural areas and funding for the rail project between Dallas-SA-Austin-Houston.
Bringing back and protecting the voting rights act.
Increasing money for the VA.
Finding healthy solutions to immigration and the boarder, just like his home town El Paso a boarder town that’s one of the safest cities in the country
Prison reform, ending for profit prisons.
me looking at photos other people took of me: Who is this incredibly awful person? This bridge goblin? Who let this happen
rip tumblr 