When an intergalactic mission reaches a critical point that threatens the life of the crew, when all is hopeless, and no other option is in sight, the captain of the crew must – if the crew includes a “human” – activate the WT protocol.
This measure should only be used in extreme circumstances, as its consequences are, despite impressive effectiveness, destructive and highly unpredictable.
If, however, the crew’s life and wellbeing are in danger, then the captain should turn to the “human” and clearly speak the following words:
“This is it. We will die here. There is no way out of this.”
The “human” will immediately direct their attention to their captain. Their answer should approximately be: “There’s always a way”, or “I’ll find something.”
It is crucial, then, that the captain performs the next sentence with as much condescension as can be mustered. They must look at the “human”, and say:
“What can a weak human like you even do?”
Immediately, distance must be brought between the remaining crew and the “human”. The protocol, if successfully initiated, will begin with a show of the “human’s” teeth in something called a “grin”, and the protocol words:
Throw salt at your intended target and say, “Stay the fuck away from me.”
If it doesn’t work the first time, repeat and aim for the eyes.
If this continues to fail, track down one of those Himalayan salt lamps that are basically a 6lb pointy rock and start hitting them with it until they go away.
