One of these days I’m going to write a YA novel and call it “Most Girls”.
It could be about a vampire who was turned in her late teens and always regretted never finishing her education formally and well, she’s too young looking for college but she could get a high school diploma, right? Something to hang up in the old tomb sweet tomb. So she talks her older looking vampire friends into pretending to be her parents and whacky hijinks ensue as she struggles to fit in and be like most girls but hilariously keeps getting told she’s not like most girls by everyone she meets, much to her annoyance.
“You know,“ he says inching closer beside me on the rooftop, the light of the moon casting an unearthly silver glow on the leaves and making his eyes shine all the brighter, “you’re not like most girls.”
I dip my head to hide my smile. They always scream so much when they see the fangs.
“No,” I agree inching away from him again, “I’m not.”
But maybe just for once, I think, I’d like to be…
Joy I’m fucking suing you for typing at verbatim every Neopets Vampire roleplay I took part in in 2003 and making me stare into my own soul
This is unrealistic because if a literal child walked into my university lecture I’d be like sure you probably belong here and would never question it. She could totally make it in college
Book two can be her realizing that to professors everyone looks like they’re 12 so enrolls in community college with her shiny new diploma.
Faux-vampire-mom-and-dad show up at graduation looking like if you crossed 50s nostalgia with the Addams family and cheering loudly for everyone, but especially for those who have no one else to cheer for them.
For them they cheer the loudest.
Because sometimes a family can be you, your fake spouse, your immortal undead daughter and the humans they adopt along the way.
Can Faux-vampire-mom-and-dad be younger than their immortal undead daughter?
Absolutely. There’s a hundred years difference at least. Clara and Arthur just happen to look like they’re in their late 30s.
I’m so fucking shaken that the vampireapologist called you out by your first fucking name I had no idea you guys talked but it seems silly to question the inherent relation of immortals now
Mallaidh Anne and I have been friends/friendly rivals for some years. I think it was decided a while ago that I was the antagonist to her protagonist but tbh I wonder sometimes.
Watching you get talked into writing Yet Another Novel is one of my favorite things.
a secret code between women: are you safe? in a contact of eyes. i’m here if you need me, the littlest shift of a skirt, of an inclined head, of watching the man who is asking you to smile, bitch. you aren’t alone on the walls of restrooms, i was where you are too. the quiet doling of emergency numbers, the shelters. the space between two women in a largely empty train station. the waiting game of two women strangers who walk, quietly and quickly, to their cars in abandoned parking lots, who watch to be sure the other leaves safely. text me you get home safe. the tally marks of drinks on hidden wrists, carefully disguised as other things ever since men picked up on what it meant and used it to target the “weakest link.”
my father tells me we have nothing to worry about. last night he sent me one of those email chains that say at the top “Safety Tips For The Women In Your Life!!!! Don’t Let Her Die!!”
me, and the stranger on the train. she is asleep and the man is asking me who i am going home to. i feel tears pricking the sides of my eyes. i am 13 while he towers over me. he reaches out one hand, and while i don’t know how she knows, she speaks up without opening her eyes: “If you touch my daughter, sir, I will murder you.” Whatever he grumbles is lost in history, because this moment I am so grateful for the existence of other people that I cannot breathe.
I am 19 and on my phone when i become aware of a 13 year old girl is smiling nervously at a man who’s saying disgusting things. I grab her arm. “There you are, cindy,” I say, and then look at the man like he is bile. “Do you need something from my sister?” i ask, and i walk away with her. she cries later.
this is the way of things: a silent, secret web. our promise to each other that despite our differences, when it comes to the wire, we become family, instantly. the unspoken promise. i’m here. i’m watching. i’ll witness.
I actually think this was pretty responsible. Rather than banning it outright, which would result in kids wanting to rebel even more, she offers it in her home where she can control the amount people drink. Good on ya, Mrs George. You’re a cool mom.
She also offered her daughter a condom when she was hooking up with a guy instead of freaking out and kicking the guy out of the house.
It’s kinda funny how she is simultaneously an out-there parent, yet not a bad one. She might actually understand that her daughter is a anger-ridden teenager who can’t be easily controlled and restricted, so instead of telling her what she can’t do, she tries to guide her to a safer decision. I’m not saying I’m 100% cool with how she executes it, but hey, not a bad parent when you think about it.
next up on tumblr: psychoanalysing the mean girls mother.
Sweat is the worst. There’s things out there to make sweat season better, though. Without further ado, my “sweat sucks” checklist, in no particular order! All product names are links- mostly Amazon- but you can get many of these items in a lot of places.
0, the ur-anti-sweat task force item. A good anti-perspirant of your choice. If you’re sweaty and you hate it, you probably already know which one you like best.
1. Gold Bond powder spray. The powder itself is ok, but the spray is where it’s at. If you hate underboob sweat, this is the way to go. Start dry- don’t do this right after a shower, and towel off if you’ve already been sweating. Before putting on a bra or binding, lift one boob, spray underneath, and hold that boob up for a bit to let the spray dry. There’s other things that work for this, too- Fresh Balls, Monkey Butt, etc.- and I have tried all of them and this is the one I keep reaching for. Also, Fresh Balls and Monkey Butt are terrible names.
Just don’t use it on any mucus membranes. If you’ve got a sweaty groin area, be careful with it.
2. Slipshorts. Recently I stopped hating myself and wearing pants in the summer. It’s just too humid out. But a combo of chub rub and sweat means that I feel super uncomfortable if I’m not wearing something– which is where a nice pair of undershorts/bike shorts come in handy. Get cotton ones or wicking ones, and they help combat the sweat and the chafing. Jockey’s Skimmies are really good for this- the ones that wick away moisture. This is not shapewear, mind you- that would only make the sweat problem worse!
3. A fan. I’ve got a really goofy electric one that mists me with water, but it looks really, really goofy. It might look silly, but it let me survive my family’s ill-planned hike up Diamond Head in the middle of the day. That was worth looking silly. When I’m super hot and gross, I don’t care- but it’s not convenient everywhere, or you might have more dignity than me. (Most people probably do, really.) In that case, a folding fan is extremely useful. Pick one that you like- if you carry purses, maybe even get a few cheap ones and toss one in each purse.
4. Another kind of goofy thing that really does work is the Cooldanna, which is a bandanna that’s been sewn into a head band and stuffed with water crystals. You soak it in water, tie it around your head, and it keeps you cool for a very long time. If you were clever, you could make your own with some water polymer crystals and whatever fabric you liked- and this way you’d have more control over design and size and everything. You could even get creative about shape and placement!
5. Around April, I stop wearing closed shoes unless I absolutely have to- sandals all the way for me. I’m a Birkenstocks person, but honestly, any supportive sandal’s good. I’ve had the same pair of Milanos for well over a decade now, and they don’t stink and my feet feel pretty damn good in them.
6. A Ta-Ta Towel. It’s not fun to wear a bra all the time, but it’s equally unfun to be sitting at home and dealing with underboob sweat. You can get these other places, or make your own even, or if your boobs are shaped right, just stick a washcloth beneath them and call it a day- but nothing dries quite like a towel.
7. Bun formers. Getting the hair off the back of the neck is vital, and a bun works pretty much anywhere.
8. Cucumber wipes and a towel. Sometimes if I have to walk or take the bus somewhere in the summer, I’ll actually take face-washing stuff with me in my bag so that I can de-sweat when I get there. If not, cucumber wipes and a small towel work fine.
Sweaty friends: save a life. If you’ve got more things you like to use, please add to the list.
[Image Description: Tags reading “idk – freeform, I’m sorry, my immortal – freeform, I don’t, knw what is happening help me, spider vore, charlotte’s web – freeform, 42 liberal spiders”]
The AO3 Tag of the Day is: I don’t know what’s happening either
